26 Characters

I sent four documents to the printer, which resides approximately sixty feet, (or 10.43 of me laying down), from my desk.

Normally, I don’t stand up from my desk and race to the printer after confirming the count and page numbers, but it seems that I might have to start…

Of the four documents I Ctrl+P’d, only one made it back to my desk. The print-happy culprit amongst my co-workers has yet to be identified, but I suspect they’re a ? and not a ?.

Why? Because a man would allow the situation to continue…

I returned to my desk and re-printed, only to walk back to the printer to find two of the three re-prints. (I’m twenty-three percent perturbed.)

Whomever is stealing my prints is close to the printer, or has wings, has a complete disregard for my time*, doesn’t pay attention to what he is picking up and is afflicted with an unquenchable hunger for letter-sized copy paper.

Third time’s a charm.

I re-printed and ran to the printer, where, upon arriving, I found page four from my second attempt. (I’m thirty-six percent perturbed.)

A woman would have at least left a note.

*see the top right corner of my Website.

Beginning this post, I’m also updating my version of Windows. And, since I can’t do much else while this occurs, I decided to write.

Daylight savings …Update 1 of 112…time officially began on Sunday at 2:00 a.m., taking an hour away from everyone that pays attention to that silly rule and reserving it only to give it back in November (I wish I lived in the opposite ends of the alphabet).

I noticed the hour disappear because that was the hour in which:
a) George Bush passed a bill to help the lower-middle class.
b) The Hills got canceled.
c) Al Davis applied and was accepted to guard the Holy Grail.*
d) Bill Cowher shaved his moustache.
e) Britney found a positive role model.
F) Nothing.

How amazing would those sixty minutes have been if a, b and e actually happened? (The rest were simply for the sake of humor.)

So…instead of F) happening, Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition decided to shiFt all over my schedule, making the first half of this week as difficult and confusing as possible. Not only have I changed my Outlook calendar’s timezone …Update 94 of 112… a total of six times in the past three days, but now my HTC Mogul, running another wonderful piece of software: Microsoft Windows Mobile 6.1 [un]Professional, shows all of my calendar items as occurring an hour later than they should.

How in the (Nothing.) can the simplest program running on my computer can cause such a headache?

The only good thing that can come of this …Update 106 of 112… is that I will appear to arrive at all of my appointments about an hour early, instead of three to five minutes late.

I’m going to sit and do F) while …Update 106 of 112… finishes and I wait for my next appointment that I set a reminder for, (two hours in advance).

*with Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.

For your consideration, I would like to submit my thoughts on something that has been bugging 80% of my office. We have a Brother in our office that will randomly quit working.  Short of replacing it, I have tried everything.

Both print jobs I sent to it today ran into issues. In the first instance, the bright red light that screams without making a sound, notified me that it (thought it) was out of paper. I opened the tray to find several, (which is at least seven), white sheets patiently waiting to be permanent-pressed by the soon-to-be-Office-Space’d printer.

I closed the paper tray (assertively) and hit ‘Go’ on the face of the printer. I heard that fan inside, the one that I have no idea what its purpose is, start making the “warm-up” sound and ta-da nothing.

Weird how that didn’t solve the problem.

So, after the first try at printing the PDF’d invoice, emphasis on F’d, we re-submitted the print job only to have the paper jam.

What have I learned? Brother makes a highly inefficient printer and writing about it is not a good use of my time.

What is colored beige, weighs twenty-seven.three pounds and unofficially has to die? Stay tuned…

Henry has digested:
- two chlorine toilet tablets
- a bottle of Nexium
- thirty-five tube socks
- numerous towels
- four ounces of body lotion (he loves that stuff)
- as of today, my ottoman

And, this is just the list of things we know he has ingested. The crazy thing is that none of them have caused his death – until now.

Is anyone interested in purchasing a purebred Puggle? He had a check-up slash grooming, yesterday, received a checkered bandanna and a “worm-free” certification. He is also completely healthy…with the exception of an under-bite, (you can tell if you look closely at the teeth marks in the ottoman) and he is afflicted with a severe case of doggy DS (Down Syndrome).

My roommate was kind enough to share this with myself and select friends in the Chain¹ this morning. He was also kind enough to take time to arrange such a nice little photo shoot, (Derek, you should apply to Glamour Shots).

The last living photograph of the late Henry.

All kidding aside, he should have dug his grave a little deeper.

¹A daily email among my friends with exclusive membership guidelines.

I got so many compliments on my previous “who invented” post that I figured I should write another. However, this time I will tackle an invention I know everyone uses, or has used at one point.

In a society characterized by the continual paranoia of new germs, why do some builders/architects still insist on using the hated, disgusting, waste-of-paper, pull-open bathroom doors? Is it just me or does anyone else have a problem touching everyone else’s post-potty hands? I know we all feel obligated to thoroughly wash our hands, (light sarcasm), but I still feel uncomfortable gripping the door handle, or even worse – the doorknob, on my way out of the bathroom.

The doorknob is worse because I dip back to the teachings of my early ancestors and use a foot or an elbow to pry the door open. If I am wearing a long-sleeve shirt I will pull use cloth between the knob and my skin, but sometimes I have to tough it out and touch everyone’s knob.

“All employees must wash hands before returning to work.”

Yeah right. The only bathrooms where that sign adorns the wall seem to be the same establishments where the employees do not really look like they are working. And, that being the case, no one can ever really “return to work,” as the sign suggests.

Am I over-analyzing this? Maybe.

Nevertheless, I have touched too many germ-ridden exits to just sit back and let this be. In the planning of a bathroom, perhaps the architects should consider what people do in there and devise some crazy scheme where a door is not necessary.

What if the bathroom were strategically tucked away around a corner? Oooh!

I know it can be done – I’ve seen a few.