26 Characters

My college …

Courtesy of someecards.com

… roommate would rebut your-mom jokes with, “my mom is in the hospital.”

And, I’m cynical because I had fun watching the once self-aggrandized faces immediately hide the smile and inquire with a strong apology as to why his, (my roommate’s), mom, who moments earlier was, “so fat when she jumped up she got stuck,” is in the hospital. To which, he would reply, “because she works there.”

Another good time to keep your mouth shut is while you’re brushing your teeth.

I opened mine this morning to get the outside of my front row (and tongue) and got white speckles of toothpaste paint all over one of my favorite shirts (plus, the mirror, faucet and coutner).

So, I now proclaim today as less-casual Wednesday, becuase I put the tie in my to-be-dry-cleaned pile, turned off the A/C and left for work.

Sometimes you, (and your mom), just have to know when to keep your, (and her), mouth shut.

I received a text message on Valentine’s Day as I was making my way to Houston for the weekend, and initially thought it was from a girl I went to high school with. I humored her and continued the conversation…turns out it wasn’t the Sarah/Kaitlin I knew.

It was funny enough for me to save it, (and eventually share it), and I felt it appropriate to title this text message exchange by quoting Sarah.

In the transcript below, please note the spelling and grammatical errors indicating that this girl had around a fourth-grade reading level. (No offense to the real Kaitlin, if she’s reading this.) I only point it out because those were the cues that started to indicate that I did not know who this was.

(In a low, raspy voice) The following takes place between ten a.m. and eleven a.m.

—

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Hola this is SKITTLES:) (on kaitlins phone)

Me (2/14):
Skittles?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Sarah ****** (duh)

Me (2/14):
Oh, of course…how could I forget? What’s up?

_{(I was completely kidding…I didn’t remember the name, but it sounded familiar.)}

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Nothing how bout you

Me (2/14):
On my way to houston

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Texas?

Me (2/14):
si

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Why

Me (2/14):
Visiting friends

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Cool

Me (2/14):
Tell Kaitlin hi

Me (2/14):
(please)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Kaitlin says hi too

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Wat?

Me (2/14):
I was saying (please) tell kaitlin hi… ;o)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ok I did

Me (2/14):
You’re not doing anything for v-day?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Nope just recovering from skating with kaitlin last night:-D

Me (2/14):
Ice skating?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
No inline

Me (2/14):
Haha. nice

_{(This did not sound far off from something the Kaitlin I know would do.)}

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Totally

Me (2/14):
So, did my name just pop into your head?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Sorta we were texting people to say happy v day and then nobody texted back expect you

Me (2/14):
Bc i’m polite.

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Wat is bc???

Me (2/14):
because

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Gotcha

Me (2/14):
You still haven’t said it…

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
What was I suppposed to say

Me (2/14):
Happy Valentine’s Day

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ok then Happy Valentines Day8-)

Me (2/14):
ditto

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ok are you flying or driving to houston

Me (2/14):
driving

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Were are you right know (state)

Me (2/14):
tx

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Cool

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
R you bored

Me (2/14):
So-so. It’s not that long of a drive

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
K who is all with you

Me (2/14):
Just me

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Then who is driving

Me (2/14):
My left hand and right foot.

_{(I’m slightly suspicious that this girl may think I’m someone else.)}

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
What?? So ur driving

Me (2/14):
yep

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
But your like not they age what are u driving

Me (2/14):
Huh? My car

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Like are actually driving with the wheel and petals

Me (2/14):
Yep. Who do you think this is?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Who is this

Me (2/14):
Ross

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ross who

Me (2/14):
Clurman

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ummm then I think I have the wrong number unless caleb is around

Me (2/14):
Haha. No caleb here…and i’ve had this # for eight years…later Skittles.

—

This conversation lasted for about thirty minutes. Had it been a phone call, rather than text messages, I would have discovered the fact that Sarah and Kaitlin had no clue who I was (and vice versa) in a matter of seconds.

Why do men put one hand above their head when urinating?

Early this morning I caught myself doing exactly that – thankfully, because if I hadn’t, then I would have lost balance and Midas would have touched my shower.

The classic one-hand-above-my-head-planted-against-the-wall pee. In my case, I put my raised hand against the cabinets on the wall behind my porcelain target.

I have a few theories as to why this happens…

Theory 1 – The Additional Bladder
The muscles hold water. Men often try to increase the size of their muscles, most notably, their arms. Bigger arms hold more water and by raising your non-dominant hand (usually the larger arm), you’re allowing this additional water to exit.

Theory 2 – Hi-five Practice
Hey! Alright! Awesome! Sweet! – all great preemptive strikes to the popular, pre-fist-bump, hi-five. Plus, if it’s above your head and on the wall, you’re keeping it clean. Just think how many other guys’ hands you can touch now… Kick ass!

Theory 3 – Hold Talking Until After
If someone raises their hand, palm out facing a crowd, it’s highly unlikely that they are asking each of you to “show them some love”. They probably want you to shut up so they can read off the winning raffle ticket at this week’s PTA meeting – STOP TALKING. Same thing goes for a man that has his hand on the wall during number a bathroom break. It plainly says: “Do not talk to me [glance at, snicker at, or otherwise interact with me] while I’m peeing.”

Theory 4 – Balance
Early AMs that follow any PM, but especially late PMs, are awkward. You’re missing a sock, your TV is still on and why did you sleep in fetal position on the floor of your shower? All good questions. Even more of a good question: How did you manage to shove your sock under the couch, leave season five, disc one of Family Guy on repeat, bring a pillow and bedding to the shower and do it all without dreaming about any reference to running water?

If you can answer that, you’re a better man than I. The real issue is how are you going to get rid of all of those toxins if you can’t even stand up straight? And, that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us full circle to what I like to call my point.

They are all applicable in certain situations and definitely necessary when the time is right.

Kohler should take note and come up with a nice hand massager or heated handle. Screw power tools[?], now that’s a great gift idea for a guy.

Each and every one of you desk-jobbers know exactly what I’m talking about…the overused term, which somehow is an email manifestation of what a client services representative refers to as “people skills” on his or her resumé.

Sweet translation. Seriously, if that’s the only input you have regarding the explanation your technical people provided you with for my question, (which you probably forwarded to them and appended the words “see below” to), then why can’t the technical people just email me directly? Wait…then you’d be out of a job, you email-forwarder.

Fool me. Copy-and-paste yourself through one day, just one, without using the nine characters of customer service, (ten, if you use a period), and I will consider not wearing your office’s alma mater on my shirt to our next meeting.

Continue and I’ll wear it backwards. Pucker up.