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26 Characters

Below you will find my weblog, or just blog. The name may not strike you right away, but you'll get it after I ask you one question: How many letters are there in the alphabet?

I use these twenty−six letters to share moments I experience, thoughts I come upon or ideas I have that I don't feel like keeping to myself. Writing them gives me the ability to share with you.

Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll swallow hard, maybe you will learn something about me that you didn't previous know, or maybe you'll relate the words below to something in your own experiences. You may even know the subjects I allude to between the paragraph tags.

So much that I will often write without proofing. If I offend you, it is nothing personal, simply my opinion. I'll complain about things that bother me, things I find offensive and just random thoughts I hold onto long enought to transfer to my blog.

The only thing you need know is that I love to write.


Archive for the ‘FYI’ Category

Chopped Chit Chat

Monday, August 24th, 2009

If your WPM is fewer than, or equal to, your grandfather’s age on your fifth birthday, then please take typing lessons.

I’m not referring to shorthand or txt lessons…no, I’m talking about cue, double you, e, are, tea, why (skills). Especially if you plan to use your keyboard to communicate via IM.

Also, when IM’ing, prudently utilize the backwards L-shaped key – certainly if depressing that key results in a send.

Receiving news in bits doesn’t bother me. Receiving news in broken

bits is what really angers

me.

Respect the amount of time your recipient wastes watching the “Ross Clurman is currently typing” notification only to realize

that you were just finishing

your thought.

And, under no circumstances should you follow the scattered sentence with a visit to their office, or a phone call for verbal translation.

Protected: Never Bike Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly

Friday, July 24th, 2009

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I Missed A Lot

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

This weekend was supposed to be an awesome time with family, but Mother Nature had to come along and change that.

I made it from AUS to ORD almost incident-free. There was about a twenty-minute delay at takeoff due to the weather surrounding the Chicago area. The pilot claimed that the weather was subsiding – not the case at all.

We landed in what can only be described as the eye of the storm and as I stepped off the plane, I noted how crazy/busy Chicago’s O’Hare Airport seemed. I had about ninety minutes before my next flight from ORD to ROA, so I leisurely made my way from gate to gate, stopping for an airport-priced Cobb Salad on the way.

As I approached the hallway housing my destination gate, I felt a gust of hot air and smelled the indoor campground that were the F and G gates. With about an hour to spare, I took a seat among a few other travelers waiting on their flight at my departure gate.

The monitor displaying flight information clued me into the first delay – my flight that was originally scheduled to leave at 6:45, had been pushed back to 8:15. I wasn’t very upset, I could see the horrible weather outside and remained calm, knowing that I would still not miss my older sister’s wedding and the first chance I’ve had to meet my niece.

Fifteen minutes passed as the female voice coming through the loudspeakers canceling flights seemed to have less and less time between each cancellation. I threw away my salad’s trash and wheeled my bag over to the half-mile-long customer service line. As I began to dial the customer service line, I heard my flight get canceled.

After being on hold for thirty-five minutes, I spoke to a young woman at United who gave me two options, that would turn out to both be worthless. Option one put me into Richmond around 1 a.m. (three hours from my destination). Option two got me to Roanoke around 8:30 p.m. (six hours after the wedding). I took option one and made my way to a small beverage stand near the windows where I watched planes sit on a runway getting pounded by tons of water, awesome lightning and some of Chicago’s best wind.

I called my dad and sister and per their dose of reality, we decided that it was probably a little absurd to think that I could drive three hours at 1 a.m. to get to Roanoke. Plus, the flight there wasn’t even guaranteed at this point. After two beers with three travelers who had been stuck in O’Hare since around ten a.m., I heard the bad news – my flight to Richmond was canceled.

I called United back and this time waited forty-six minutes on hold. After speaking to the representative, I found that my only logical option was to now turn around and go back to Austin. The earliest flight I could get back to TX was Sunday morning at 8:40…I’ll take it. As soon as I got my confirmation number, I phoned a friend that lives in Chicago. She came and picked me up and I began my first accidental vacation in Chicago.

In addition to meeting some interesting people, having some decent food and doing a little shopping, I saw Soldier Field, Buckingham Fountain, Lake Michigan, the Field Museum and the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

Pictures of the new t-shirts I got this weekend…

Useless Superpowers
Useless Superpowers

Banana Slip
Banana Slip

Mario Buying Mushrooms
Mario Buying Mushrooms

With the exception of missing my sister’s wedding, not getting to see family and missing the first opportunity to meet my niece, I made due and it turned out to be a decent weekend.

Stiff Cotton

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

And, that reminds me of another thing about my childhood…the stiff cots I used to be forced to lay on at [insert daycare name] at regular intervals throughout the day.

Not only were the unassigned vinyl cots gross, but they had no support whatsoever. I weighed less than a fully-clothed Barbie™ but my ass could still feel the dusty, brown tiled floor below me that was covered with food crumbs and children’s tears.

Oh, ya…my point.

I put on my medium-starched shirt this morning; apparently “medium” indicates that you are a dead man and would like your shirt to resemble the stiffness caused by rigor mortis.

I go outside…it’s cloudy, but not raining. Then, as I arrive at work, the rain begins to fall, softening my sharp, stiff starched shirt.

It’s bright green.

Cut Your Budget

Monday, February 9th, 2009

Think you’re wasting money on crap you don’t need? That’s because you probably are.

Save your fun budget…here are some areas you can evaluate to stimulate [the amount of] change [you have in your pocket]:

Alcohol.
Yes, you drink. The first step is acceptance. Support the High Life and toast with the Champagne of Beers.

Don’t wear that.
Yes, you’re afflicted with the un-explained phenomenon of purchasing foil-printed, over-priced t-shirts; but, that’s not the worst part…you actually wear them, too. Stop now…you’re not a cage fighter and your arms only look big because that is a smedium.

Save paper.
While I do believe in recycling…I’m referring to the paper clippings called coupons that one can collect from a couple hours of cutting up a Sunday paper.

Eat at home.
There’s no need to get all dressed up and go to the Olive Garden. Even if we were not in a recession, I would still give you trouble for dressing up to go there. Either way…spending money on groceries is much more efficient than always eating out. Even if they do have bottomless breadsticks and salad.

Cancel.
Reduce your subscriptions to magazines you do read, TV programs you will watch, credit cards that you won’t overspend and gym memberships you’ll actually use.

To those that do use the gym membership: the endorphins your body releases during and after your workout will bring the corners of your mouth up, even while your IRA drops.

Oh, ya…and read more of my blog. It’s free and healthy for you.

Under The Cover

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

That’s a weird word. One that I haven’t spelled, or typed, in a long time. Cover.

Tangent = complete.

In last month’s issue of Playboy, one of the print materials I actually read, I learned something interesting.*

I actually learned quite a bit. More than the Video Professor, (who commands, in a gentle manner, night-time-tv watchers to “try my product”), could ever teach me on one CD.

I read a very interesting article, well, more of an interview [of], about Daniel Craig. He’s definitely going to become one of my favorite actors now.

Just so you know, I read the entire six-page spread about him and not one of the pages I looked at in this sitting required I turn the magazine sideways. Three did.

You Should Know By Now

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

The three-word, open-ended answer to almost any question…and we all use it: I don’t know.

Append “yet” post the “w” a comma and a space, and that answer is much more accurate. I don’t know, yet.

The mind is a powerful thing and we’re capable of self-teaching so much more than we try. Slide between the covers of an open book and you’ll learn so much you never knew existed.

I, for one, learned of this magical thing called page two.

I never used to like reading, but then again, the only reading I knew about was all required topics – not necessarily something I would have liked to read.

Don’t get caught using those three words.

Read. It’s good for you.

Calling All Pockets

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

Ever called someone accidentally? Me too, but there is a big difference in pulling the phone from your pocket to dial and having your pocket dial the numbers.

The “pocket call” doesn’t happen too often with flip phones, but if your friends own an open-faced phone, like the iPhone that just called me from Tyler’s pocket, you may soon become a victim of the pocket call.

If you are the victim of a pocket call, relax, don’t worry…it’s all part of becoming a man, or woman, or both. There are three steps you’ll want to know in the event of an inbound pocket call.

1. Answer your phone
2. Listen to find if the person is sharing any information of value (i.e. dirt, passwords, the location of hidden treasures, etc.)
3. Depending on the situation, you can also have a little fun…

Based on your ear investigation, figure out where the pocket is calling from. Once you do, you’ll want to employ the following tactic based on the scenario. Keep in mind you’ll have to maintain a high volume on your voice to ensure your heckling is heard.

A meeting: Pucker your lips and create a loud fart sound.

Church: Yell “AMEN!”

A movie theater: (see meeting scenario)

Getting their shoes polished: Personify the fly, or “personifly.” This is the best because you can really get your personality into it. Say something like, “Hey! Come here. I want to tell you a secret.”

By now you get the picture. When you’re done having fun on account of the other person’s airtime, hang up.

I just burned nineteen minutes and three seconds worth of pocket-call airtime. Tyler called and I yelled his name so loud I could have easily shaken loose change, a Chapstick, a set of car keys, or the pair of balls resting safely nearby.

Eight Equals D

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

Many of the friends whom I engage in text messaging with are familiar with a popular body-part-icon, (or equation), I often use in place of an expletive when upset. By now, if you know what I’m talking about the title may seem less than life-size.

If you’re unfamiliar, it may take you a second. However, regardless of how long it takes you to figure out the equation, it always stands for the same thing.

I rarely complain about minor mistakes. Only in cases where the mistake negatively effects my time and/or money. However, if the time it would take me to rectify the situation is greater than the monetary outcome of complaining, I let it go. Otherwise, solve for time is less than money and it makes sense to complain. For instance, when the cashier at Jimmy Johns charged me for provolone and my French bread sandwiched no provolone, I did not complain.

So, where:
Tw = time wasted
Mw = money wasted
Tc = time spent complaining
Mc = money gained by complaining

If Tw + Mw > 0 and Tc > Mc, then I let it go. But, if Tw + Mw < 0 and Tc < Mc, then I complain.

But, when PayPal acted as third-party for my purchase of a Nintendo® Wii™ and provided an unconfirmed shipping address, I complained. I complained for several good reasons.

1. That is a $350 purchase and had there been a mix-up at my unconfirmed address, I would be out a Wii™
2. The shipment ended up getting returned and I had to pay for S&H twice.

I spent fifteen minutes explaining my predicament to a PayPal representative, after requesting a refund via email. When that went nowhere, I evaluated the customer service call very poorly. Then, I received a follow-up email basically telling me the exact same thing the repetitive customer service rep told me days prior.

I decided to respond with the following note:

Dear (customer service representative),

I’m not sure what you didn’t understand about my previous email. I understand what I said. I said that I was disappointed with having to pay an additional shipping charge because you provided an unconfirmed shipping address. An address where I have not resided in over 7 years.

I am also ticked off that you claim that you found that address in your system – it’s not there. I just logged in and viewed my current home address and it is confirmed (which usually takes about a week to do, so you know I’m not full of shit)….I updated this address to both my PayPal account and my eBay account in June of this year.

Here’s a screen shot (attached). Thank you for absolutely nothing. Apparently, your entire customer service department is incompetent.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving,

8=D

To my amazement, (and everyone I have shared this story with), PayPal credited my account two days later for $75 and apologized for the situation.

Large companies rarely are able to make single customers feel respected and important…especially when you consider my email signature.