Stuck, knee-deep in emails yesterday afternoon, I found myself breaking away to remember a comedian I was introduced to, (not literally), in college.

If you’re unfamiliar with Steven Wright, then you don’t know him. He is a comedian who tells quick, witty, self-fulfilling jokes (for the most part). Here are a few of my favorite..

• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend … but she left me before we met.
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• I intend to live forever … so far, so good.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

Enjoy? Help yourself to a second serving.