Why do men put one hand above their head when urinating?
Early this morning I caught myself doing exactly that – thankfully, because if I hadn’t, then I would have lost balance and Midas would have touched my shower.
The classic one-hand-above-my-head-planted-against-the-wall pee. In my case, I put my raised hand against the cabinets on the wall behind my porcelain target.
I have a few theories as to why this happens…
Theory 1 – The Additional Bladder
The muscles hold water. Men often try to increase the size of their muscles, most notably, their arms. Bigger arms hold more water and by raising your non-dominant hand (usually the larger arm), you’re allowing this additional water to exit.
Theory 2 – Hi-five Practice
Hey! Alright! Awesome! Sweet! – all great preemptive strikes to the popular, pre-fist-bump, hi-five. Plus, if it’s above your head and on the wall, you’re keeping it clean. Just think how many other guys’ hands you can touch now… Kick ass!
Theory 3 – Hold Talking Until After
If someone raises their hand, palm out facing a crowd, it’s highly unlikely that they are asking each of you to “show them some love”. They probably want you to shut up so they can read off the winning raffle ticket at this week’s PTA meeting – STOP TALKING. Same thing goes for a man that has his hand on the wall during number a bathroom break. It plainly says: “Do not talk to me [glance at, snicker at, or otherwise interact with me] while I’m peeing.”
Theory 4 – Balance
Early AMs that follow any PM, but especially late PMs, are awkward. You’re missing a sock, your TV is still on and why did you sleep in fetal position on the floor of your shower? All good questions. Even more of a good question: How did you manage to shove your sock under the couch, leave season five, disc one of Family Guy on repeat, bring a pillow and bedding to the shower and do it all without dreaming about any reference to running water?
If you can answer that, you’re a better man than I. The real issue is how are you going to get rid of all of those toxins if you can’t even stand up straight? And, that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us full circle to what I like to call my point.
They are all applicable in certain situations and definitely necessary when the time is right.
Kohler should take note and come up with a nice hand massager or heated handle. Screw power tools[?], now that’s a great gift idea for a guy.
