Notice that my title is lacking quotes, so this isn’t about the euphemism you may have immediately associated “doing it” with.

I have the unfortunate predisposition of being somewhat mysophobic. Unlike a real phobia, I’m only slightly worried about germs – I don’t freak out if someone eats food that just fell on the floor, coughs in my direction or asks to use my ChapStick.

I might suggest running the fallen food under water, make a remark about the person’s manners, or look for a visible cold sore before offering up my lip balm. These are minor germs that you come in contact with on a daily basis. Trying to avoid these would probably cause more harm than help, because your body needs to build it’s own antibodies to defend from the big, bad germs. Like bathroom germs.

When it comes to these germs, I do have a problem. I don’t set my bare cheeks on someone else’s ass-print, turn off the faucet without a barrier and I avoid the door handle at all costs.

There are several methods to preventing the spread of bathroom germs if you encounter an inward-opening bathroom door.

1. Use a paper towel. After you’re done drying your hands with it, fold it and use it to open the door. Then, on the way out, turn and throw a fade-away shot as the door closes. Hey, all-star! You just prevented the spread of germs and you looked really cool shooting the paper towel into the trash – unless you missed.

2. Open it with your leg. This can be difficult for shorter people, so make sure you maintain flexibility by stretching daily. This also qualifies as kicking ass, because that’s what fifty percent of the door handle is painted with.

3. Use a section of your shirt. Be cautious – if the shirt is thin, you aren’t gentle and it pinches, you’ll end up with a shirt nipple. This occurs when you stress the fabric and it maintains the imprint of your fingers. Shirt nipples = not awesome.

4. Never shut the door. If you’re just using the bathroom to wash your hands and it is small enough for you to reach the sink while leaving your foot in the doorway, do it. It’s the easiest method and by far the most efficient. You don’t waste the paper towel you’d most likely need to open it back up, so you’re helping mother nature and the next person who touches your hand.

5. Wait. This should be used as a last resort and may result in odd looks from other members of the restroom, or a long, smelly and lonely afternoon. If your wait time is greater than one minute and you’re with friends, try number six.

6. Phone a friend. Text one of the people in your group and request their assistance in the restroom. As they enter, leave. If confronted later, tell them to shut up and mind their own business.

The other day I witnessed something I had never before seen. I saw a woman exiting the restroom holding evidence of method number one. She didn’t, however, turn and play paper-towel pop-a-shot.

That would have been really cool and awesome.