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Below you will find my weblog, or just blog. The name may not strike you right away, but you'll get it after I ask you one question: How many letters are there in the alphabet?

I use these twenty−six letters to share moments I experience, thoughts I come upon or ideas I have that I don't feel like keeping to myself. Writing them gives me the ability to share with you.

Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll swallow hard, maybe you will learn something about me that you didn't previous know, or maybe you'll relate the words below to something in your own experiences. You may even know the subjects I allude to between the paragraph tags.

So much that I will often write without proofing. If I offend you, it is nothing personal, simply my opinion. I'll complain about things that bother me, things I find offensive and just random thoughts I hold onto long enought to transfer to my blog.

The only thing you need know is that I love to write.

I Missed A Lot

June 22nd, 2009

This weekend was supposed to be an awesome time with family, but Mother Nature had to come along and change that.

I made it from AUS to ORD almost incident-free. There was about a twenty-minute delay at takeoff due to the weather surrounding the Chicago area. The pilot claimed that the weather was subsiding - not the case at all.

We landed in what can only be described as the eye of the storm and as I stepped off the plane, I noted how crazy/busy Chicago’s O’Hare Airport seemed. I had about ninety minutes before my next flight from ORD to ROA, so I leisurely made my way from gate to gate, stopping for an airport-priced Cobb Salad on the way.

As I approached the hallway housing my destination gate, I felt a gust of hot air and smelled the indoor campground that were the F and G gates. With about an hour to spare, I took a seat among a few other travelers waiting on their flight at my departure gate.

The monitor displaying flight information clued me into the first delay - my flight that was originally scheduled to leave at 6:45, had been pushed back to 8:15. I wasn’t very upset, I could see the horrible weather outside and remained calm, knowing that I would still not miss my older sister’s wedding and the first chance I’ve had to meet my niece.

Fifteen minutes passed as the female voice coming through the loudspeakers canceling flights seemed to have less and less time between each cancellation. I threw away my salad’s trash and wheeled my bag over to the half-mile-long customer service line. As I began to dial the customer service line, I heard my flight get canceled.

After being on hold for thirty-five minutes, I spoke to a young woman at United who gave me two options, that would turn out to both be worthless. Option one put me into Richmond around 1 a.m. (three hours from my destination). Option two got me to Roanoke around 8:30 p.m. (six hours after the wedding). I took option one and made my way to a small beverage stand near the windows where I watched planes sit on a runway getting pounded by tons of water, awesome lightning and some of Chicago’s best wind.

I called my dad and sister and per their dose of reality, we decided that it was probably a little absurd to think that I could drive three hours at 1 a.m. to get to Roanoke. Plus, the flight there wasn’t even guaranteed at this point. After two beers with three travelers who had been stuck in O’Hare since around ten a.m., I heard the bad news - my flight to Richmond was canceled.

I called United back and this time waited forty-six minutes on hold. After speaking to the representative, I found that my only logical option was to now turn around and go back to Austin. The earliest flight I could get back to TX was Sunday morning at 8:40…I’ll take it. As soon as I got my confirmation number, I phoned a friend that lives in Chicago. She came and picked me up and I began my first accidental vacation in Chicago.

In addition to meeting some interesting people, having some decent food and doing a little shopping, I saw Soldier Field, Buckingham Fountain, Lake Michigan, the Field Museum and the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

Pictures of the new t-shirts I got this weekend…

Useless Superpowers
Useless Superpowers

Banana Slip
Banana Slip

Mario Buying Mushrooms
Mario Buying Mushrooms

With the exception of missing my sister’s wedding, not getting to see family and missing the first opportunity to meet my niece, I made due and it turned out to be a decent weekend.

Posted in FYI | No Comments »

Accident-LOL

June 18th, 2009

Boisterous laughter heard between nine and five from the face in front of the monitor is 99% of the time related to something unrelated to work. For this reason, it is not healthy job etiquette to engage in such activities [while at work] especially if you have three to four sets of ass cheeks above you on the corporate ladder.

Note-to-all: It is never a good idea to look up the corporate ladder – only look at the top.

In any work environment a laughter is healthy and can commonly be attributed to something a co-worker said or a client did; but, when expressed “out loud” in a manner similar to an overweight mountain goat, it most often is not related to work.

With the exception of the constant all-pages that occur during the typical weekday and the half of the conversation you get to hear between salesperson and client, the majority of professional office buildings are somewhat quiet.

My office remains keystroke quiet. All you can hear is the gentle pit-pat of the qwerty at around seventy WPM. When your office is as quiet as my office, anything out of the ordinary, such as laughter out loud, will definitely catch ears and turn heads.

Yesterday, during the ever-amounting inboxed kilobytes and speakerphoned conference calls, I had an LOL. Within seconds, this all-of-a-sudden LOL commanded four eyes to readjust in my direction and someone’s curious ENT to slowly peek around the edge of my office door.

I excused my LOL and resumed quiet time.

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Se[eC]attle

May 7th, 2009

Your environment can mess with you. (So can bullies and pain killers, but for the following combination of characters, we’ll focus on the meteorological aspects.)

The importance of the Sun’s energy is vital to life on Earth - even if you’re a cave-dwelling cockroach, the Sun’s energy somehow helps support your life.[1]

So, you can imagine what three days of rain back-to-back will do to an Austin resident…it threw my entire program off, and almost threw me off my feet.

For three days, I didn’t wake up to sun, didn’t drive to work with sunglasses on, didn’t roll my windows down on the way to work, and I couldn’t go running outside after work. Plus, during one of my lunch breaks, I almost slipped and busted my pride/ass on the floor of my parking lot/grassy knoll.[2]

Dear Clouds,

Texas is for livestock, good weather, great music, oil and republicans. Please, turn off the water in Texas and go back to Seattle, where rain and phenomenal athletic teams belong.

Thanks,
Ross

[1]I watched the first 4 episodes of Planet Earth (about Planet Earth) on Sunday.

[2]Dress shoes are notorious for having slick bottoms, like slugs, so when someone (in this case, me) walks from their car to their apartment and steps on the slanted portion of the curb, it is easy to imagine how the outside foot quickly becomes the inside foot and “hello,” said my ass to the ground. Beyond the abrupt meeting, things just get ugly…I now have a wet, grassy stain on my bruised right hip and a strong hope that no one else saw the incident.[3]

[3]A footnote within a footnote! This was all what could have happened; everything up to “hello” did happen.

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Keep Your [Mom's] Mouth Shut

March 25th, 2009

My college …

...because I say so.
Courtesy of someecards.com

… roommate would rebut your-mom jokes with, “my mom is in the hospital.”

And, I’m cynical because I had fun watching the once self-aggrandized faces immediately hide the smile and inquire with a strong apology as to why his, (my roommate’s), mom, who moments earlier was, “so fat when she jumped up she got stuck,” is in the hospital. To which, he would reply, “because she works there.”

Another good time to keep your mouth shut is while you’re brushing your teeth.

I opened mine this morning to get the outside of my front row (and tongue) and got white speckles of toothpaste paint all over one of my favorite shirts (plus, the mirror, faucet and coutner).

So, I now proclaim today as less-casual Wednesday, becuase I put the tie in my to-be-dry-cleaned pile, turned off the A/C and left for work.

Sometimes you, (and your mom), just have to know when to keep your, (and her), mouth shut.

Posted in Humor | No Comments »

Driving With The Wheel And Petals

March 23rd, 2009

I received a text message on Valentine’s Day as I was making my way to Houston for the weekend, and initially thought it was from a girl I went to high school with. I humored her and continued the conversation…turns out it wasn’t the Sarah/Kaitlin I knew.

It was funny enough for me to save it, (and eventually share it), and I felt it appropriate to title this text message exchange by quoting Sarah.

In the transcript below, please note the spelling and grammatical errors indicating that this girl had around a fourth-grade reading level. (No offense to the real Kaitlin, if she’s reading this.) I only point it out because those were the cues that started to indicate that I did not know who this was.

(In a low, raspy voice) The following takes place between ten a.m. and eleven a.m.

—

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Hola this is SKITTLES:) (on kaitlins phone)

Me (2/14):
Skittles?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Sarah ****** (duh)

Me (2/14):
Oh, of course…how could I forget? What’s up?

(I was completely kidding…I didn’t remember the name, but it sounded familiar.)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Nothing how bout you

Me (2/14):
On my way to houston

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Texas?

Me (2/14):
si

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Why

Me (2/14):
Visiting friends

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Cool

Me (2/14):
Tell Kaitlin hi

Me (2/14):
(please)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Kaitlin says hi too

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Wat?

Me (2/14):
I was saying (please) tell kaitlin hi… ;o)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ok I did

Me (2/14):
You’re not doing anything for v-day?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Nope just recovering from skating with kaitlin last night:-D

Me (2/14):
Ice skating?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
No inline

Me (2/14):
Haha. nice

(This did not sound far off from something the Kaitlin I know would do.)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Totally

Me (2/14):
So, did my name just pop into your head?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Sorta we were texting people to say happy v day and then nobody texted back expect you

Me (2/14):
Bc i’m polite.

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Wat is bc???

Me (2/14):
because

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Gotcha

Me (2/14):
You still haven’t said it…

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
What was I suppposed to say

Me (2/14):
Happy Valentine’s Day

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ok then Happy Valentines Day8-)

Me (2/14):
ditto

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ok are you flying or driving to houston

Me (2/14):
driving

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Were are you right know (state)

Me (2/14):
tx

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Cool

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
R you bored

Me (2/14):
So-so. It’s not that long of a drive

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
K who is all with you

Me (2/14):
Just me

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Then who is driving

Me (2/14):
My left hand and right foot.

(I’m slightly suspicious that this girl may think I’m someone else.)

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
What?? So ur driving

Me (2/14):
yep

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
But your like not they age what are u driving

Me (2/14):
Huh? My car

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Like are actually driving with the wheel and petals

Me (2/14):
Yep. Who do you think this is?

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Who is this

Me (2/14):
Ross

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ross who

Me (2/14):
Clurman

(913) ###-#### (2/14):
Ummm then I think I have the wrong number unless caleb is around

Me (2/14):
Haha. No caleb here…and i’ve had this # for eight years…later Skittles.

—

This conversation lasted for about thirty minutes. Had it been a phone call, rather than text messages, I would have discovered the fact that Sarah and Kaitlin had no clue who I was (and vice versa) in a matter of seconds.

Posted in Humor | No Comments »

Twelve Percent Per Page

March 20th, 2009

I sent four documents to the printer, which resides approximately sixty feet, (or 10.43 of me laying down), from my desk.

Normally, I don’t stand up from my desk and race to the printer after confirming the count and page numbers, but it seems that I might have to start…

Of the four documents I Ctrl+P’d, only one made it back to my desk. The print-happy culprit amongst my co-workers has yet to be identified, but I suspect they’re a ? and not a ?.

Why? Because a man would allow the situation to continue…

I returned to my desk and re-printed, only to walk back to the printer to find two of the three re-prints. (I’m twenty-three percent perturbed.)

Whomever is stealing my prints is close to the printer, or has wings, has a complete disregard for my time*, doesn’t pay attention to what he is picking up and is afflicted with an unquenchable hunger for letter-sized copy paper.

Third time’s a charm.

I re-printed and ran to the printer, where, upon arriving, I found page four from my second attempt. (I’m thirty-six percent perturbed.)

A woman would have at least left a note.

*see the top right corner of my Website.

Posted in Really? | No Comments »

F New

March 11th, 2009

Beginning this post, I’m also updating my version of Windows. And, since I can’t do much else while this occurs, I decided to write.

Daylight savings …Update 1 of 112…time officially began on Sunday at 2:00 a.m., taking an hour away from everyone that pays attention to that silly rule and reserving it only to give it back in November (I wish I lived in the opposite ends of the alphabet).

I noticed the hour disappear because that was the hour in which:
a) George Bush passed a bill to help the lower-middle class.
b) The Hills got canceled.
c) Al Davis applied and was accepted to guard the Holy Grail.*
d) Bill Cowher shaved his moustache.
e) Britney found a positive role model.
F) Nothing.

How amazing would those sixty minutes have been if a, b and e actually happened? (The rest were simply for the sake of humor.)

So…instead of F) happening, Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition decided to shiFt all over my schedule, making the first half of this week as difficult and confusing as possible. Not only have I changed my Outlook calendar’s timezone …Update 94 of 112… a total of six times in the past three days, but now my HTC Mogul, running another wonderful piece of software: Microsoft Windows Mobile 6.1 [un]Professional, shows all of my calendar items as occurring an hour later than they should.

How in the (Nothing.) can the simplest program running on my computer can cause such a headache?

The only good thing that can come of this …Update 106 of 112… is that I will appear to arrive at all of my appointments about an hour early, instead of three to five minutes late.

I’m going to sit and do F) while …Update 106 of 112… finishes and I wait for my next appointment that I set a reminder for, (two hours in advance).

*with Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.

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Stiff Cotton

March 11th, 2009

And, that reminds me of another thing about my childhood…the stiff cots I used to be forced to lay on at [insert daycare name] at regular intervals throughout the day.

Not only were the unassigned vinyl cots gross, but they had no support whatsoever. I weighed less than a fully-clothed Barbie™ but my ass could still feel the dusty, brown tiled floor below me that was covered with food crumbs and children’s tears.

Oh, ya…my point.

I put on my medium-starched shirt this morning; apparently “medium” indicates that you are a dead man and would like your shirt to resemble the stiffness caused by rigor mortis.

I go outside…it’s cloudy, but not raining. Then, as I arrive at work, the rain begins to fall, softening my sharp, stiff starched shirt.

It’s bright green.

Posted in FYI | No Comments »

Seventeen Twitter Tweets

March 6th, 2009

Originally, I had it titled “Twenty Twitter Tweets About Today,” but realized that “about” didn’t need to function as a segue between “Twitter” and “Today”. Then, as I approached nine, I realized how difficult it would be to hit my ambitious original goal of twenty, especially since I don’t want things like: “Where are my socks”, or “Now merging.”

No, I figured it would be more entertaining for my readers, (and more fun for me to write), if I simply highlighted the pieces of my day that stood out.

“Woke up twelve minutes before my alarm was supposed to do that for me - thank you Austin Waste Removal.”

“Just made a half-dead lap around my apartment in search of the excuse for doing exactly that. Early birds don’t fly straight.”

“Reached for a light switch that is normally to the left of my sink, and now resides twelve hours north in my old [old] apartment.”

“Two towels to dry off because sometimes one just isn’t enough.”

“Who left the seat down?!”

“Only five emails on a Monday?! Call tech support, something is wrong with the network.”

“Sometimes the short-cut key to send emails can be a bad thing…especially if you don’t get the delay that spell-check sometimes provides.”

“Run-on sentence…run on.”

“DND”

“Grrr said the empty stomach as I reached for the [empty] box of Cheez-Its in my desk. Grrr, said I and put it back.”

“Is it obvious when I’m laughing at my computer screen that I’m not working?”

“I frogot hwo two spell in my e-males.”

“Please see below fro an updated prewf. THanks, Rss.”

“With two monitors, I thought I could run two programs at once…touché Windows XP. Touché.”

“Why didn’t my home-ec teacher “teach” us how to effectively microwave a lunch? I know most of my teachers had to…and, now I am.”

“It smells like fear in the men’s room.”

“Cough e break.”

And, a good day to you.

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Cut Your Budget

February 9th, 2009

Think you’re wasting money on crap you don’t need? That’s because you probably are.

Save your fun budget…here are some areas you can evaluate to stimulate [the amount of] change [you have in your pocket]:

Alcohol.
Yes, you drink. The first step is acceptance. Support the High Life and toast with the Champagne of Beers.

Don’t wear that.
Yes, you’re afflicted with the un-explained phenomenon of purchasing foil-printed, over-priced t-shirts; but, that’s not the worst part…you actually wear them, too. Stop now…you’re not a cage fighter and your arms only look big because that is a smedium.

Save paper.
While I do believe in recycling…I’m referring to the paper clippings called coupons that one can collect from a couple hours of cutting up a Sunday paper.

Eat at home.
There’s no need to get all dressed up and go to the Olive Garden. Even if we were not in a recession, I would still give you trouble for dressing up to go there. Either way…spending money on groceries is much more efficient than always eating out. Even if they do have bottomless breadsticks and salad.

Cancel.
Reduce your subscriptions to magazines you do read, TV programs you will watch, credit cards that you won’t overspend and gym memberships you’ll actually use.

To those that do use the gym membership: the endorphins your body releases during and after your workout will bring the corners of your mouth up, even while your IRA drops.

Oh, ya…and read more of my blog. It’s free and healthy for you.

Posted in FYI, Items to Ponder | No Comments »

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